I Made the Best Melee Weapon to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Behold! The Plumber’s Hammer.

I wanted to say this was the best weapon out of all possible weapons, including even the ranged ones, but let’s not go that far yet. Note the goal stated in this post’s title. It’s assumed that your main objective is to survive the zombie apocalypse, as opposed to going out and clearing out the undead from your area. That latter mission requires a whole other discussion. The assumption here is that strategically you are generally in a stable, defensible position where zombies can’t easily get at you, and you’re venturing outside of those position boundaries only when necessary. Tactical defense considerations based on where you are holed up, are the highest priority, if you want to survive, more so than weaponry.

I dislike the idea of relying on ranged weapons to survive the zombie apocalypse because of the training factor. Despite how video games have conditioned us to think otherwise, most people do not have the skills on tap to use a ranged weapon effectively, and it’s hard to train if you’re soiling your pants as the undead are stumbling onto your front lawn. Those with the requisite training to make use of ranged weapons face the maintenance and ammunition problem—you’re gonna run out of bullets&mdashand the complexity problem: more things can go wrong with a complex system. I don’t buy that arrows are completely reusable, either. They will break down, and is recovering arrows from the skulls of the twice-dead something you really want to do? Someone on Reddit, of course, made a mind-boggling suggestion that a slingshot is the ideal weapon. I suppose it’s fine to explore, but it’s obvious no one in that thread thought through the practicalities; they are considering a real-life hypothetical with a video game brain.

Bladed weapons are a bit better, but the training and maintenance problem occur here, too. It’s not quite as simple as “pick up blade, stab zombie.” Knives have short blades and you need to be staying far away from a zombie’s reach. Swords are heavy, and the kinds of swords that have the right stopping power for zombies are probably too heavy and cumbersome. Forget about katanas—they were made primarily for speedy slicing against standard-issue living opponents, not cutting completely through undead heads. Swords break.

Spears or pikes aren’t bad, and they’re not terribly hard to train on them if you know how to do it. But they are more effective when they are precise, and having to aim for a zombie’s head is going to cost you valuable getaway time.

Blunted or bashing weapons are the best bet. Baseball bats and crowbars are good but they don’t have great range. The same with things like morning stars and maces. A sledgehammer is good but is way too heavy for most people. This guy thinks a poleax is a good idea, and I do too, but where are you going to find a poleax, even before the zombies get here?

A Halligan bar isn’t a bad choice, but they are expensive and hard to find. Some people prefer them because, like the crowbar, it has the benefit of being able pry open locked doors more easily. I’ll propose here that getting into locked areas in the field isn’t as beneficial as it sounds. For one, there’s no telling what could be behind locked doors, like zombies or people waiting in ambush, or simply people trying to get away from zombies, like you are. Once that door is broken open in an area with which you’re not too familiar, you’ve just created another irreversible way for zombies to get at you, and venturing into a possible dead end. I wouldn’t pry a door open unless I had planned it out beforehand and had decent reassurance that there’s something behind that door that I would want. In this case, I’d simply plan to bring my crowbar. Breaking a door open in an emergency is fraught with too many uncertainties.

The Plumber’s Hammer (my own name) is the best all-around for a number of reasons:

1. No training needed…just bash and run away. Training will just make it more effective.
2. Most adult humans can carry and use it easily. It weighs slightly less than a crowbar (see comparison table below).
3. Predictable—it’s not going to suddenly break while you’re using it, because it won’t break at all.
4. It won’t rust, assuming it’s galvanized piping like in the photos.
5. Both ends are useful, so you can attack on either side of you much more quickly.
6. It can serve as a walking stick and maybe help you reach into places for climbing, etc.
7. It’s cheap. This probably would cost $30-$40 brand new. You may have the parts at home already. If you can make it to a hardware store in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, it’ll be free.

Some drawbacks:

1. Not ideal for really short people or children.
2. If you miss your target and whack the end against a stone wall or pavement, your palms will get a good knock.
3. It will get cold in the winter. Wearing gloves that aren’t grippy will make this pretty slippery.

Here are the parts:
1/2 inch x 60 inch galvanized pipe (1)
1/2 inch galvanized tee fitting (2)
1/2 inch galvanized plug (4)

You could skip the tee and plug and just buy two caps for the pipe ends, in which case it would be a Plumber’s Staff. Not quite as menacing a name, but it’ll work the same way.

I made a comparison table of weight and length of some potential melee weapons—basically, items I had in my garage. The Plumber’s Hammer compares favorably even against the famed crowbar. It’s slightly less heavy than the crowbar yet has a whopping additional 14 inches of reach.

I dislike using AI, but for fun I asked ChatGPT what it thought the best melee weapon would be. Again with the crowbar, but at least there was no mention of katanas. I made sure to be very specific in my question so the AI would gave an answer parallel to the scenario I am addressing here. I didn’t want answers suited for a space marine, because that’s not what I’m solving for, but if we’re talking the original Doom arsenal, the best weapon in that context has to be the chain gun or plasma rifle.

If your goal is survival rather than outright combat with zombies, you’ll want a melee weapon that offers versatility, durability, and practicality for navigating through dangerous environments while conserving energy. Here’s a suggestion for the best all-around melee weapon:

Crowbar:

Versatility: A crowbar serves multiple purposes beyond combat. It can be used for prying open doors, windows, or crates, allowing you to access supplies or escape from dangerous situations. Its flat end can also function as a makeshift hammer for basic repairs or construction.
Durability: Crowbars are typically made of solid metal, making them sturdy and resistant to wear and tear. They can withstand repeated use without significant damage, ensuring reliability when you need it most.
Practicality: Crowbars are readily available in hardware stores, making them easy to find in urban or suburban areas. They are also lightweight and easy to carry, allowing you to move quickly and quietly without being encumbered by a heavy weapon.
Non-lethal: While a crowbar can be used to defend yourself against zombies if necessary, its primary purpose is utility rather than inflicting lethal damage. This can be advantageous in situations where you want to avoid attracting more zombies or conserve ammunition.
Overall, a crowbar strikes a balance between effectiveness in combat and practicality for survival tasks, making it an excellent choice for navigating the challenges of a zombie apocalypse while focusing on staying alive.