Those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook might know I took up a project to summarize all 66 books of the Bible, roughly one book per day. I recently finished all the books and I thought it would be best to publish them all in one grand blog post. A tweet-dump motherlode assault on the senses.
Before (or after) you read these, check out this guy who is tweet-summarizing the entire Bible by chapter.
Bible Summary: Genesis (1/66) – God makes, man mucks. A weak tower and a deep flood.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 7, 2013
Bible Summary: Exodus (2/66) – Bricks without straw and the tetragrammaton. Charlton Heston throws styrofoam tablets at studio extras.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 7, 2013
Bible Summary: Leviticus (3/66) – Do this, don't do that. Flying rocks instead of jails.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 9, 2013
Bible Summary: Numbers (4/66) – Counting heads and steps in the sand. Quail makes for queasy.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 10, 2013
Bible Summary: Deuteronomy (5/66) – Heston dies, Joshua's got next. The tribes move into the new neighborhood—best behavior required.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 11, 2013
Bible Summary: Joshua (6/66) – Israel's fortune: Strength hides in unlikely places. Seek the strumpet and the trumpet, and victory is yours.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 11, 2013
Bible Summary: Judges (7/66) – The Justice League of the Middle East comes to save the day but everyone goes back to doing their own thing.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 12, 2013
Bible Summary: Ruth (8/66) – Skilled: a widowed scrounger secretly sleeps with a wealthy, tipsy Jew and gets him to marry her.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 14, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Samuel (9/66) – God thinks a monarchy is "meh" but allows it. A runty shepherd fells a giant using physics and geology.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 15, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Samuel (10/66) – The "man after God's own heart" was a murdery adulterer and a bad parent. Wrote some decent songs, though.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 15, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Kings (11/66) – Supreme alpha male gains throne and gets carried away. Elijah challenges pagans and gets carried away.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 17, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Kings (12/66) – More hijinx from Jewish royalty, a pagan princess is killed and eaten by dogs, and most everyone is exiled.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 18, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Chronicles (13/66) – Lots of genealogies and a lesson of making sure you don't take a census when you're not supposed to.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 19, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Chronicles (14/66) – Mostly positive PR for the tribe, for a change. Solomon builds a nice temple but it gets trashed.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 19, 2013
Bible Summary: Ezra (15/66) – A priest returns from exile to rebuild the temple. Many are opposed but a powerful Zoroastrian king digs it.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 20, 2013
Bible Summary: Nehemiah (16/66) – The Jerusalem reconstruction project gets a new foreman, who also knocks some sense into the tribe.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 21, 2013
Bible Summary: Esther (17/66) – An alienated Jewish girl outwits her way into Persian royalty and saves the day. No mention of God.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 22, 2013
Bible Summary: Job (18/66) – Bad things happen to a good man. Unseen agencies working behind the scenes escape human comprehension.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 23, 2013
Bible Summary: Psalms (19/66) – Songs for all your bipolar lifestyle needs.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 24, 2013
Bible Summary: Proverbs (20/66) – Aphoristic advice column for young men.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 25, 2013
Bible Summary: Ecclesiastes (21/66) – Supreme alpha male king experiments with material happiness and reports his results.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 27, 2013
Bible Summary: Song of Songs (22/66) – A extended play-length song about how hot someone is.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 27, 2013
Bible Summary: Isaiah (23/66) – Master wordsmith and marathon prophet informs the tribe with lenghy verse that they just don't get it.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 28, 2013
Bible Summary: Jeremiah (24/66) – Prophet of doom prophesies doom for a whole mess of kingdoms. "Prepare an ambush!"
— Jay (@Jaybreak) May 31, 2013
Bible Summary: Lamentations (25/66) – Jeremiah gets poetic about Israel getting smashed to bits. It's all wormwood and gall.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 1, 2013
Bible Summary: Ezekiel (26/66) – The Burning Man prophet: oddball visions, model art installation, eats poopy food, cuts and burns his hair.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 2, 2013
Bible Summary: Daniel (27/66) – Four learned Israelites rise through the political ranks in a pagan kingdom, impervious to flame and beast.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 2, 2013
Bible Summary: Hosea (28/66) – Prophet enjoys the married life with an unfaithful prostitute, for the sake of allegory.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 4, 2013
Bible Summary: Joel (29/66) – Locusts eat everything.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 4, 2013
Bible Summary: Amos (30/66) – Uneducated fig-jockey tells the tribes they're aren't all that great.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 6, 2013
Bible Summary: Obadiah (31/66) – Prophet tells an age-old enemy of the tribe they will get completely burned up.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 7, 2013
Bible Summary: Jonah (32/66) – Undisciplined prophet becomes whale food, then whale puke, then gets upset when a city isn't destroyed.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 7, 2013
Bible Summary: Micah (33/66) – Small-town prophet clues the tribe in on the consequences of breaching the contract.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 8, 2013
Bible Summary: Nahum (34/66) – Jonah's former target messes up again, and Nahum predicts its end. So long, Nineveh.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 9, 2013
Bible Summary: Habakkuk (35/66) – Prophet channels Job and inquires of the Big Guy, but this time He gives some substantive replies.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 11, 2013
Bible Summary: Zephaniah (36/66) – Prophet sees his colleagues' bet and raises them by including the entire world in judgment.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 12, 2013
Bible Summary: Haggai (37/66) – If the temple is rebuilt, they will come.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 13, 2013
Bible Summary: Zechariah (38/66) – The tribes return from exile and Zechariah goes on a prediction spree.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 14, 2013
Bible Summary: Malachi (39/66) – One last book of warnings and encouragement before 400 years of silence.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 15, 2013
Bible Summary: Matthew (40/66) – First account of an odd transient Jewish preacher and company. He was executed and reportedly resurrected.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 16, 2013
Bible Summary: Mark (41/66) – "'Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away.'"
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 17, 2013
Bible Summary: Luke (42/66) – "'Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.'"
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 18, 2013
Bible Summary: John (43/66) – "Jesus wept."
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 20, 2013
Bible Summary: Acts (44/66) – Audacious new strain of Judaism fights the law and the law wins. Or does it? Plus: shipwrecked!
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 21, 2013
Bible Summary: Romans (45/66) – The first of many letters authored by an ex-mass murdering tentmaker, broaching new theological casks.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 21, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Corinthians (46/66) – "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:…"
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 22, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Corinthians (47/66) – Paul mentions flanking "thorn" agitation. Diagnoses range from indigestion to existential crisis.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 24, 2013
Bible Summary: Galatians (48/66) – Some foreskin talk and how legacy tribal members should onboard the new recruits.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 25, 2013
Bible Summary: Ephesians (49/66) – A jumbo-sized theological sandwich.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 21, 2013
Bible Summary: Philipians (50/66) – An elaborate thank you letter.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 27, 2013
Bible Summary: Colossians (51/66) – Advanced doctrine and ethics class has begun.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 28, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Thessalonians (52/66) – Letter to a big city church going through some mistreatment.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 29, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Thessalonians (53/66) – Paul: The Big Guy's timetable is different than ours. Also, don't be lazy.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) June 30, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Timothy (54/66) – Paul Powerpoints some key bits of organizational advice.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 2, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Timothy (55/66) – Paul, chained up and expecting the end, sends for his things.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 4, 2013
Bible Summary: Titus (56/66) – Paul warns the titular letter recipient, living in Crete, that Cretans are cretans by quoting a Cretan.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 21, 2013
Bible Summary: Philemon (57/66) – Paul tells a slave and his owner that they are equals.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 6, 2013
Bible Summary: Hebrews (58/66) – A letter of uncertain authorship catalogs the tribe's past heroes for encouragement.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 8, 2013
Bible Summary: James (59/66) – A possible sibling of Jesus writes an early letter, pulling the tribe away from an extreme.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 9, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 Peter (60/66) – Letter from one of Son of Big Guy's apostles, to troubled "resident aliens" in Asia Minor.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 12, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 Peter (61/66) – Nearing the end of his life, Peter widens the audience for his second letter to anyone in the tribe.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 13, 2013
Bible Summary: 1 John (62/66) – John referees a match between gnosticism and hypostatic unity, judging in favor of the latter.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 14, 2013
Bible Summary: 2 John (63/66) – A letter to "the chosen lady and her children."
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 15, 2013
Bible Summary: 3 John (64/66) – John, Gaius, Diotrephes, and Demetrius walk into an epistle…
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 16, 2013
Bible Summary: Jude (65/66) – Another possible sibling of Son of Big Guy writes a letter to warn of secret agents and scoffers.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 17, 2013
Bible Summary: Revelation (66/66) – John records symbolic and apocalyptic visions as source material for future sandwich board writers.
— Jay (@Jaybreak) July 17, 2013